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Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Reflecting on... My Darkside


Inspired by this Jung quote, I have had to make comment on the concept that a dark side is necessary to be ‘complete’. Now, what I consider a dark side to be is the existence of personality traits that I dislike about myself… these would be my tendency to obsess, my selfishness and my laziness/procrastination. It is not that I express these qualities constantly but I know they’re there and easy to act on. The problem with considering a comment made by a psychiatrist is that you end up over analysing yourself; that is not the point of this reflection so I will attempt to refrain from it.

The three shadow areas of my personality mentioned so far are the most consciously prevalent and as this comment and post has made me consider them harshly, I will begin a shadow work journal as I attempt to tackle (or at least mollify) these dislikeable traits. The journal will include magickal workings that seek to modify my selfish behaviours, lessen my ability to do practically nothing when there are things to be done, and finally to let go of the obsessive thoughts (and actions) which circle around one particular area… my love life. Not only will I log my magickal endeavours to combat my shadows but also, I will attack physically and mentally.

The laziness has become self-perpetuating and by doing nothing about it, I make it worse. The shadow work for it started when I created my blog – making myself research and study subjects that I know interest me but because there was always something good on TV, I never applied myself to. I still procrastinate and put things off until something else is done but what I realised is the thing I was putting off was my life, so things are now moving and though the shadows are still there they are lightening up.

Obsession has always been a battle for me, it goes hand-in-hand with addiction – my only addictions are caffeine and nicotine but those aren’t my problem right now. Every now and then my obsessions get out of hand. The last time was 18 years ago – over a guy. It faded over the years and I promised myself to never get that hung up on someone again. Making that kind of promise to yourself, in your heart, puts up a barrier. It doesn’t stop you loving, but it stops you loving unconditionally. The barrier is fear of losing control. Which brings me back to obsession itself, which although may seem like extreme control, it is in fact extreme lack of control. The reason this is a current issue for me, is that I am having the obsessive feelings again for someone I know and though I am now mature enough to not act on them; they are still there and therein lays the fear.

Thirdly, my selfishness; now I know that everyone wants there own way and should grow out of tantrums about not getting there own way at the age of… 16? My selfishness won’t let me not have a tantrum of some sort… I don’t stamp my feet and scream anymore but I do have moments of unnecessary and unjustified nastiness. This isn’t always expressed, it can be just thoughts to myself but as I’ve blogged about before… thoughts are energy and energy can manifest. My point is that I dislike how much I can bubble with rage for the wrong reasons, all because I am being blocked from doing something I would probably regret, but want to do. This can be something really stupid – my mother asking me to wash the dishes; now generally I don’t have a problem with this but if I’m feeling particularly selfish, I will go ape over being asked to clean up a mess that isn’t mine, to be treated like her slave, to have precious time taken from my life to do something for her. It’s a ridiculous amount of bullshit that comes out of me when I’m in one of these moods and I dislike this part of myself so it has made my Top 3 personality traits I wish to banish… with time.


Well, there is my dark side… in a nut shell. It’s not mind-blowing confessions of dark acts and deeds; it’s not suicidal or homicidal tendencies; it’s not satanic rituals and sacrifice. What it is, is an acceptance that I’m not perfect, I have bad days, I have sinful thoughts and I have volcanic mood swings – none of this makes me a bad person, it makes me human. Everybody has things they dislike about themselves, maybe worse than mine, maybe not but no one can escape it. And so I agree with Dr. Jung and his concept of ones dark side being part of the whole because although I dislike these parts of myself that I have outlined, and battle to overcome them, sometimes I think… ‘well, that’s just me’ and indulge in my lazy, selfish and obsessive self.

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